How do I get my Birth Partner/Support Person on board with the birth I want?

side view of a very pregnant woman. Her hands are on the top of her belly and she is gazing towards the sky. she has long dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin and is wearing a long sleeve knit dress. she looks determined.

One of the most common questions I see in birthing groups online is:

“I’m really wanting a ____ birth but my partner/family member/other significant person isn’t supportive. How can I get them on board?”

This can be really disheartening and upsetting when you don’t have the support of the people around you.

Most of the time, I would recommend the “talk to the hand” approach when people want to give you unsolicited advice, share negative birth stories or doubt your ability to birth your baby.

However, when it’s coming from your partner or support person, the person who is going to be in the room with you when you are at not only your most powerful, but also your most vulnerable, it can be really difficult and lonely. It may even make you think that you need to give up your dreams to appease them.

So, what can you do?

Sit down and talk to your birth partner about what you want, why you want it and why it’s important to you that they support you.
Be open and honest, and really clear with what you’re wanting from them. Sometimes sharing positive birth stories of the type of birth you’re envisioning can help them to see what’s possible.
Attend independent childbirth education classes that will give your birth partner practical ways to support you and help them gain confidence in their role as advocate.
In my Hypnobirthing Australia™ Positive Birth Program birth partners learn about the physiology of birth, about how your mind and body work to birth your baby, they learn tools to stay calm themselves and to keep you calm and more comfortable and they gain confidence in supporting you and advocating for you and the birth you want. We also talk about planning and preparing for birth together which is a really powerful way of getting on the same page and identifying areas you want to know more about so that you can make informed decisions. These are great, practical ways to get your birth partner involved in the process. I’ve seen a lot of growth in birth partners through childbirth education! See some of the feedback I’ve received below:
∙ My husband has gone from knowing very little about birthing procedures to being more informed even than friends of his who have had babies already – he now has formed his own opinions and is right by my side in supporting me to achieve a positive birthing experience.
∙ One of my biggest fears was my partner not playing an active role or not really knowing what to do in the moment, but watching him engaging in the sessions and some of the conversations that came out of it gave me all the faith in the world that together we can do it!! We are definitely on the same page and being armed with all this information and our toolkit, I know we can take on this challenge and beautiful time together.
∙ Claire's comprehensive exploration of hypnobirthing at our home went above and beyond our expectations in preparing for our baby's arrival. Her thorough insights and personalised approach made the experience not only informative but also reassuring. We feel well-equipped and confident as we eagerly anticipate the upcoming birth. - partner’s words
Choose a supportive birth partner.
If you have tried talking to your birth partner, educating them and having someone else educate them it might be time to have the conversation. The conversation where you let them know that if they can’t support you the way you need to be supported, then you will choose a support person who can.
This conversation is difficult, however you only get to birth your baby once, there are no do-overs. You are a birthing goddess, you deserve to be treated as such. When you bring your baby earthside, you should have every single person in the room backing you. Especially your support person. If they can’t be that person; if they can’t get behind you, back your decisions, advocate for you and the birth you want; do they really have a place in the room and do you need to find someone else who can be that person for you.
Hopefully, I truly, truly hope, at this point they step up… but if they don’t, it’s time to think about who in your life can be that support for you. Perhaps it’s a parent, a sibling, a friend, and/or a doula.
Enquire about my Birth Coaching services for support through this process. I’m here for you.

Birthing your baby is the biggest most amazing thing you will ever do, you don’t need to be worried about whether you’re going to have to support your own support person, feel like you need to appease them, be your own support person, or worse, battle against your own support person when your sole focus should be bringing your baby into the world.

This isn’t an easy thing and it’s not something I talk about lightly. It’s so critically important to have the support that you need. My hope is that you don’t have to get to the conversation. If you do, know that it’s not selfish to prioritise your needs when birthing your baby.

My hope is that your birth partner is willing to learn, grow and step outside their comfort zone. That they will be your biggest support and your fiercest advocate. That they will make you feel powerful, capable, empowered, safe, cared for and honoured as you bring your baby earthside. That you will work together, you, your baby and birth partner - the perfect birthing team. That they will be by your side as you gaze lifts from your baby’s precious face to theirs and you both exclaim with joy “we did it!”